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30 years...

Time for me to review my life thus far...

This is merely a time of reflection...

I was raised up well by a kind and compassionate mother.
She taught me well:
All life is sacred
Everyone and everything should be respected
If anything is worth having, it is worth working for
Everyone deserves a second chance, for we all make mistakes

She protected me, so much so that I can be rather socially akward.

I never really got out into the world, never really made much of a mark for myself.
Sure I founded DWS and TNSC, and got into the Furry Fandom, but other than that, I really am not worth all that much.

I have made strides, and alays try to learn, grow, and become better from my mistakes.
That is something I have become good at, and been good about, learning from my past so that I may hopefully make myself a brighter future.

One mistake I made was leaving my mother when I did, to be with someone who "loved" me for my physique.

I did eventually learn what true love is supposed to be.
It's supposed to be based on care and compassion for each other.
True love is a love of compassion, not lust.
Love is also blind, it cares not about color, size, or gender.

I also have learned that once a heart decides to truly give itself away, and provide that true love to another, it may never end those feelings - no matter what.
There will always be that bond between those two, and it may lead to them seeking each other out.

My life had been rather boring.
I never really got out there so I really don't know all that much.
I was always the nerd off in the corner.
So it is still hard for me to hold a decent conversation about anything besides my work and my projects.

It's one reason why I've let others lead conversations, and if I had any input - I would let it out.
One reason why I always was the quiet one.

Then I found true love.
My true one and only.

I figure to this day, we would have still found one another, even if I never was with Steel.
I never really did anything too differently to have prefented it from happening.

And for 5 years, I was truly, really happy.
I tried my best to treat him well.
And I still want to be here for him, and to treat him well.
Better than I have treated him.

But...
Drama had to arise.
It is a curse of large families and large groups like furries alike.

We both reacted poorly to the drama coming at us from both family and friends...
It led to a lot of arguments and fighting...

Fighting, simply because I wanted his love and affection... and I still do want it.

Of course this led to a series of mistakes, all of which I would much rather keep in the past from here on out.
But I learned from all of them.
I learned I can maintain HIS house on my own, if need be.
I learned how much I will always love and care for him, no matter what happens.

I learned how deeply rooted my promise to him has been:  A promise I always intend to keep
A promise that even now, in the solitude of his house - I am keeping.
A promise that he is well worth.

I do pray for a brighter future for us, and do have hopes of reuniting.

I have certainly learned the error of my own ways in all this.
And wish to prove that I can be a better person, and a much better mate than I was.

So here I am, on my 30th birthday, hoping I won't have to be alone in solitude forever.
But still I wait, I still keep my promises.

For one thing I learned is the power of a promise, and that it MUST be kept.

I love you, and hope I can last through this...
I pray I do not make the ultimate sacrifice...

And I thank you all for helping to make my life a decent one.
You all have helped me to be happy in one form or another.
  • Listening to: Starlight
Interesting...

Should I find it odd that I am now hearing 3 completely different stories from at least 4 different people considering a single person's plans for their future?

Also, my friend up north is dealing with some issues.
Her son is shutting down mentally due to some things that have happened up there - which led to the police being involved.

Also, a lot of "negative" energy these past couple of years has been due to Mercury being in a strange retrograde phaze, which ends on the 25th of this month.

Yes, I still love and miss a certain wuffy.

My b-day is the 27th, if you want to get me something, now is the time.
Need ideas?  Check out my wishlist on my personal site:
drako.funurl.com
  • Listening to: Starlight
Curse of the Druid...

So, a few weeks ago, the house had been cleared up and cleansed.
There were some serious drak energy in play that is no longer here.

One of my friends, who used to live here, was helping me clean up the place.
He and I both were with Steeltael at one time or another, and we got to talking about him.

He made the notion that he couldnt handle Steel being as depressed and miserable as he was.
Then noted that he asked around and noone even knows what happened to him in the past couple of years.

I got to meditating and realized he was getting worse and worse after he broke up with me, which reminded me of what the Federation called "The Curse of the Druid"

It's a concept that explains why Druids mate for life.
Also reminded me of a memory from a past life when I was a druid (of which is where the Mewtwo in my sona comes from)

You see if Druids face a breakup, it was led to believe that suicide was the next step.
Apparently that didn't have to be the case.
On the Northstar, I had a Druid Engineer who lost his mate - The ship he was on was lost for several years.
He seemed to get over it, but sometime - about 4 years after the ship was lost - he just dropped dead for no apparent reason, right in the middle of his task.

Now I hear that the ship was found with the full crew, and his mate found out what happend (he wasn't a druid) and later comitted suicide.

So going back to this discussion with my friend.  I believe I know what may have happened to Steel, which is a sad thing to admit.

This memory, along with a new set of memories from yet another past life that have recently been unlocked, is now why I worry about Mixy.

Two lifetimes ago, he and I (as Tiernan Swiftclaw) were together, and it was my death that seperated us - before I could make a promise to him that apparently needed to be made.

My last life (as J-Mac Paul Carthage, the Druid), I could never see anyone else as anything but something there to "entertain" me.  I never found him before I was shot and killed.
Now this life, I know that Steel wasn't "the one" but feel Mixy is.  The one I was meant to be with.  The one I have spent 2 lifetimes trying to find and be with again.

So now, I live alone in HIS house.
(Sure this has been my home, but I will always consider it his house.)
Maintaining, cleaning, and repairing it so that it will be in better shape when he comes home.

And I pray that I can do what is right for him this time, so that he can come home - even if it means him kicking me out.

I love him so much, and I miss him dearly.

We really only had this one major issue, and while we were both at fault for what happened - the truth is, what we did were bad reactions to a bad situation that was being created by other people around us.

Sure I tried to run away, at least for a bit, but noone let me.
I ran because I really had no desire to do EXACTLY what I ended up doing to him.

I wanted - no I NEEDED - that space that noone (including him) would let me have: Just so I wouldn't have snapped on him like I ended up doing.  Just so I could have gotten over it on my own, and been able to come back and love him like I should.
And I feel guilty, even now, for the events that unfolded.

Now I cannot get over him (or the guilt), for that promise has been made - a promise I intend to keep.  That guilt will follow me into death, especially if he doesn't join me in Solitude.

I just pray he can come home.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Also, last call.
It is now 2 weeks to my birthday, and if you want to get something for me, you may want to do so ASAP to ensure it makes it to me by that day.
If you need ideas, check out my personal page for my own wishlist:
drako.funurl.com
  • Listening to: Starlight
You never fully realize...

....How much someone means to you till they are gone.

However:
You never fully understand and appreciate all they have done for you till you are completely alone.

I will always love and miss that.

But you see, that is what love should be about:
Caring about the other person, and willing to be there for them.
To show you care, and to show affection to them, no matter how small.

Sadly, today's society has create a mirage of "love" where men have become subjects of women's control and desires.
The love presented by many women may not be true love, but a means of control.
And it all starts with what I call the "mother syndrome"
(Ever notice that its typically mothers less accepting of a son coming out as gay than that of the fathers?)

Before we go too far, ladies.. Understand this... its a conecpt our society has created, and I will never say that women cannot provide true love.
But they need to fully understand the feeling, and what it is supposed to mean (not what our society says it is) before they can do so.

However, because of this syndrome, women have been given a "free ride" in our society and in turn - it has led to them expecting to be able to maintain complete control.
Since they cannot control other women, they tend to do so with the men and boys in their lives.
This is now an ingrained "evil" in many women, which can be traced all the way back to "Eve" (The woman who gave the "bad" apple to Adam)
(Ever wonder why the phrase "Mama's boy" is common, but you almost never hear the phrase "Mama's girl"?)

Women cannot be controled, and this becomes known very early on:
Mothers trying to keep daughters from going out, reminds me of a quote from Bill Cosby "Mother, this is my life.. Your life is over."
The daughters learn to say no early on and quickly.  Where it takes the boys a lot longer to learn this, if they ever do.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEIzXy…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlaV-9…

It also why it's a lot more common for women to maintain a "my way or the highway" mentality.

"Our modern society is now exclusively orientated towards achieving, obtaining and accommodating this female approval. MGTOW comprehensively rejects and delegitimizes any necessity for female approval or sanction. MGTOW is men thumbing their noses, giving the finger to the notion that men live by the grace and favour of women. It literally pulls the rug out from under the feet of women who, whether consciously or not, have internalised the idea that men are a resource for women, that men live and die to serve women’s needs, wants and whims, that men have no other function but to be at the beck and call of women, but only if and when a woman decides she had some need that a man is obliged to answer and/or fill."

"The women they encounter demand attention, loyalty, resources and undue privilege, while offering very little in return. The natural hypergamous nature that once served them well in their quest to secure the best possible mate is now a sustained lifestyle bringing an endless pursuit of bigger and better. The average young woman today is less concerned about the number of quality men who would commit to her than she is about the number of men who retweet a photo of her breasts."

The sad part is, because of how our society has built this up, women can do things to control all the men and boys in their lives without even realizing it.  At the same time, the men may not even fully understand it is actually happening.
Some women will even use kids and/or other things to keep this control if they feel they are losing it.

"Really! Boys, lads – what ails ye at all? Don’t ye know that there are wimmin out there ready and willing to rip your heart out, itching to use, abuse and reject you? Literally foaming at the mouth to squeeze every last penny out of you, give birth to your children then taunt you for 18 years by holding those children hostage, to ransom?"

This is where MGTOW comes into play.  (Men Going Their Own Way)
Its a uprising of men who realized what is happening and are finally learning to say "no".

"M.G.T.O.W – Men Going Their Own Way is a statement of self-ownership, where the modern man preserves and protects his own sovereignty above all else. It is the manifestation of one word: “No”. Ejecting silly preconceptions and cultural definitions of what a “man” is. Looking to no one else for social cues. Refusing to bow, serve and kneel for the opportunity to be treated like a disposable utility. And, living according to his own best interests in a world which would rather he didn’t."

It is a sad thing for me to not find this on my own - while understanding and living under this concept most my life.
This concept was presented to me by a gentleman who regulars a place I work, who has been married almost 30 years.
This same man told me, and I quote: "In today's society, its better to be a gay man."
This same man also told me that mothers trying to "force" sons into straightness will fail, for the sons will "revert back".

Now... For some part of my past.
For 5 years, I was happy with someone, who was also happy with me.
We only had ONE major fall out - which is to say a lot for 5 years of happiness.

Now some have heard him complain that he worried I wasn't into him.
This was because I was trying to at least mentally distance myself from him to prevent myself from doing EXACTLY what I did to him.
But we were cornered into the same corner together, right when I had dealt with months of trying to wind down a grouping of bad feelings brought on by a bad sitatuion that was brought to us by others.
Cornered with him when I just had to snap.. and say and do things I never wanted to.  (And will feel bad for till the day I die.)

I still love and care for this person, and I always will.

That being said.  I am in a bad situation now, with the loss of my mother.
I feared bad emotions may overcome me once again, which I have been meditating out this time.
But I decided I never wanted to put anyone I care about through that ever again.

I destroyed myself with the fear of well, myself.  I just hope that I can repair some of the damage I caused.

--Resources--
www.mgtow.com/about/
www.avoiceformen.com/sexual-po…

--Music of Choice--
www.youtube.com/watch?v=R20f-T…
  • Listening to: Starlight
"Rampage"

Most of you who have known me a while, and seen how I handle myself may find it hard to believe I just uttered such a word.
But, I have a condition where all my negative emotions (sadness, anger, ect) tend to get looped into me becoming upset.

Some of you may even think that I'm just a pussy cat and cannot behave in such a way.
One of you, my closest and dearest friend - Whom is the one I love - had actually seen it.

Many of you cannot beleive me to be capable of such, since I always seem so kind, compassionate, caring, and balanced - for the most part.

It's not a long term thing, but if I get upset enough, I tend to go through a series of what I consider "dangerous emotional outbursts."  Once it's triggured, it can be days, weeks, or months to calm it down - depending on how badly it was ramped up.

However, it tends to take a _lot_ to get me that upset.
Moreso now that I have used meditation and other methods to keep it in check.

This has been a diagnosed condition since my early childhood.
While it does not excuse my behavour, it is a contributing factor.

There was one person, that while he was emotionally there for me, has been the only person capable of grounding me enough to prevent this set of outbursts.  That same person sadly ended up having to bear it once because of outside influences upon both of us.  Those influences shutting him down and making him seem to be "not emotionally there" for me, while making me more and more upset.  I suffered through months of torment before the fuse was finally lit.

This is the bombshell within my soul, the reason why I always say I have an extremely short fuse that is hard to light.

It the biggest setback of my own personality, and I always strive to keep it in check.
I would much rather be the kind, compassionate, and caring kitty you all have seen so much of - VS letting this monster out of the dark corners of my mind.

I use meditation as a means to keep it under control when I get upset.  It's why I tend to get quiet and/or completely recluse myself and not say/do much of anything with anyone.

It is easier when my "ground" [my one and only] is here to help me through this process.  He can help keep it at bay just by simply holding me close.

Now that I am having to deal with the [still oncoming] death of a very dear loved one.  {My own Mother}
I feel that this will upset me immensely, and may lead to a small rampage that could last a few days.
I am attempting to prepare myself, and my home for such an event - while trying to keep it at bay as well.

So, I may be needing some space, something I should have done with my love 2 years ago - but failed to protect him from.

I know deep down inside, I have always been, and will always be a kind, compassionate, and caring person.
I will continue to be this kind and compassionate person, even after I have dealt with this upcoming issue.

I thank you all for you care and support.
Even during this, the month before my birthday.

Always full of love
Always a Starlight.
  • Listening to: Starlight
30 years...

Time for me to review my life thus far...

This is merely a time of reflection...

I was raised up well by a kind and compassionate mother.
She taught me well:
All life is sacred
Everyone and everything should be respected
If anything is worth having, it is worth working for
Everyone deserves a second chance, for we all make mistakes

She protected me, so much so that I can be rather socially akward.

I never really got out into the world, never really made much of a mark for myself.
Sure I founded DWS and TNSC, and got into the Furry Fandom, but other than that, I really am not worth all that much.

I have made strides, and alays try to learn, grow, and become better from my mistakes.
That is something I have become good at, and been good about, learning from my past so that I may hopefully make myself a brighter future.

One mistake I made was leaving my mother when I did, to be with someone who "loved" me for my physique.

I did eventually learn what true love is supposed to be.
It's supposed to be based on care and compassion for each other.
True love is a love of compassion, not lust.
Love is also blind, it cares not about color, size, or gender.

I also have learned that once a heart decides to truly give itself away, and provide that true love to another, it may never end those feelings - no matter what.
There will always be that bond between those two, and it may lead to them seeking each other out.

My life had been rather boring.
I never really got out there so I really don't know all that much.
I was always the nerd off in the corner.
So it is still hard for me to hold a decent conversation about anything besides my work and my projects.

It's one reason why I've let others lead conversations, and if I had any input - I would let it out.
One reason why I always was the quiet one.

Then I found true love.
My true one and only.

I figure to this day, we would have still found one another, even if I never was with Steel.
I never really did anything too differently to have prefented it from happening.

And for 5 years, I was truly, really happy.
I tried my best to treat him well.
And I still want to be here for him, and to treat him well.
Better than I have treated him.

But...
Drama had to arise.
It is a curse of large families and large groups like furries alike.

We both reacted poorly to the drama coming at us from both family and friends...
It led to a lot of arguments and fighting...

Fighting, simply because I wanted his love and affection... and I still do want it.

Of course this led to a series of mistakes, all of which I would much rather keep in the past from here on out.
But I learned from all of them.
I learned I can maintain HIS house on my own, if need be.
I learned how much I will always love and care for him, no matter what happens.

I learned how deeply rooted my promise to him has been:  A promise I always intend to keep
A promise that even now, in the solitude of his house - I am keeping.
A promise that he is well worth.

I do pray for a brighter future for us, and do have hopes of reuniting.

I have certainly learned the error of my own ways in all this.
And wish to prove that I can be a better person, and a much better mate than I was.

So here I am, on my 30th birthday, hoping I won't have to be alone in solitude forever.
But still I wait, I still keep my promises.

For one thing I learned is the power of a promise, and that it MUST be kept.

I love you, and hope I can last through this...
I pray I do not make the ultimate sacrifice...

And I thank you all for helping to make my life a decent one.
You all have helped me to be happy in one form or another.
  • Listening to: Starlight

deviantID

jmac32here's Profile Picture
jmac32here
Drako Tags
United States
deviantWEAR sizing preference: M
Favourite genre of music: ROCK BABY!!
Favourite style of art: Furry
Operating System: I prefer Linux or PowerBat OS
Favourite cartoon character: Mewtwo
Personal Quote: I am your worst nightmare...

Drako has been living with his mate, Mix Tags, since September 14, 2007.
(We are currently taking a bit of a break and trying to rebuild our relationship at this time)
Interests

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:icondr-35:
DR-35 Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey. Thanks for the fav bro
Reply
:iconcyrustarber:
CyrusTarber Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
Hey you! Long time no see~
Reply
:iconjmac32here:
jmac32here Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012
Has been a while.. happen to have a Jabber, GMail, or Google Account?
Reply
:iconcyrustarber:
CyrusTarber Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
I have gmail and Google Talk, look up "cyrusthemewtwo"
Reply
:iconjmac32here:
jmac32here Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2012
is that @ gmail?
Reply
:iconnoodleart:
NoodleArt Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2011
Really? Awesome! thanks for the heads up :)
Reply
:iconziude:
ziude Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2011
Hola!!! Thanks a lot for watching and faving. I really appreciate it!!! ^0^!!!
Reply
:iconjivanika:
jivanika Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2011
thanks for the fave
Reply
:iconwuhzzles:
Wuhzzles Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks so much for the watch! ♥
Reply
:iconclawstarz:
Clawstarz Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2011   Digital Artist
and the watch XD
Reply
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